Category Archives: Funny Stories

Top 5 Funny Short Story

1. I Wish

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Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”

2. What you give, you get it back

Angry couple mad at each other

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?” The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?” A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?” He says: “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?” Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?” He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?” The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. “Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says. “Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls. Wife says: “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.” “Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband. “What do I look like,” she says, “Betty Crocker?”

3. World Cup Final

Germany Fans Watch 2014 FIFA World Cup

It’s Final Match between Germany and Argentina of the World Cup Final 2014, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible… But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

4. Snail

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A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says “What the hell was that all about?”

5. Anything? really?

home-improvement-paint

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paint…my…house.”

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Top 10 Football(Soccer) Joke

10. Three fans were talking about the sad state of their local club;

The first fan blamed…: “I blame the manager; if we could sign better players, we’d be a great club.”

The second fan blamed…: “I blame the players; if they made more effort, I’m sure we would score more goals.”

The third fan blamed…: “I blame my parents; if I had been born in a different town, I’d be supporting a decent team.”

 

9. A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.

The man: “Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”

The guy: “That was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man: “That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another member of the family, friend, or someone else to come with you?”

The guy: “No…they are all at the funeral!”

 

8. A week before the Champions League final a few years ago there was an ad in a local newspaper which said:

“Local man offers marriage to any woman that has tickets to the Champions League final. Those interested must send in photo of the tickets.”

 

7. Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell. God invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. Satan, the devil, proposed a soccer game between heaven and hell.

God, always fair, told the devil, “The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided, don’t you know all the ‘good’ players go to heaven?”

The devil, smiling, responded “Yeah, but we’ve got all the refs’…”

 

6. A football hooligan appeared in court one day charged with disorderly conduct and assult. The arresting officer stated that the accused had thrown something into the river.

Judge: “What exactly did the accused throw?”

Officer: “Stones, sir.”

Judge: “Well, that’s hardly an offense is it?”

Officer: It was in this case, sir. Stones was the referee.”

 

5. (note—this isn’t exactly about football). The rivalry between Celtic and Rangers in Scotland is well known. A Celtic fan looking for trouble went to a complete stranger in Glasgow and yelled: “To hell with Rangers!”

The stranger had a funny look on his face and replied: “I don’t know what you’re talking about buddy. I’m from Houston, Texas.”

The Celtic fan was taken back for a moment, but then his face lit up and he yelled: “To hell with the Texas Rangers then!”

 

4. At a local derby between Arsenal and Spurs last season, a spectator suddenly found himself in the thick of dozens of flying bottles.

“There’s nothing to worry about, lad,” said the elderly chap standing next to him…
“It’s like the bombs during the war. You won’t get hit unless the bottle’s got your name on it.”

“That’s just what I’m worried about…,” said the fan,“…my name’s Johnny Walker.”

 

3. Two old men were holding up the queue outside the turnstyle before the game, while one of them hunted for his ticket. He looked in his coat pockets and his waistcoat pockets and his trouser pockets, all to no avail…

“Hang on a minute…,” said the gateman, “…what’s that in your mouth?”

“It’s the missing ticket!”

As they moved inside his mate said…
“Crikey, Cyril! You must be getting senile in your old age. Fancy having your ticket in your mouth and forgetting about it!”

“’I’m not that stupid…,” said old Cyril, “…I was chewing last week’s date off it.”

 

2. The fooball stadium corridor, two fans were talking…

First fan:“I wish I’d brought the piano to the stadium.”

Second fan: “Why would you bring a piano to the football game?”

First fan: “Because I left the tickets on it.”

 

1. A man arrives at the gates of heaven, where St. Peter greets him and says: “Before I can let you enter I must ask you what you have done in your life that was particularly good.”

The man racks his brains for a few minutes and then admits to St. Peter that he hasn’t done anything particularly good in his life.

“Well,” says St. Peter, “have you done anything particularly brave in your life?”

“Yes, I have,” replies the man proudly.

St. Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery.

So the man explains, “I was refereeing this important match between Liverpool and Manchester United at Anfield. The score was 0-0 and there was only one more minute of play to go in the second half when I awarded a penalty against Liverpool at the Kop end.”

“Yes,” responded St. Peter, “I agree that was a real act of bravery. Can you perhaps tell me when this took place?”

“Certainly,” the man replied, “about three minutes ago.

The Man Problem

“Doctor,” the embarrassed man said, “I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.

“Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.”

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. “Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas,” the medic said. “Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on.”

The doctor took the husband aside. “You’re in perfect health,” he said. “Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.”

Top 13 Chuck Norris Joke

1. When Chuck Norris was born the only one who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris 😉

2. When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris

3. Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn’t built up the courage to tell him yet.

4. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life.

5. Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead it is just afriad to move.

6. Some magicans can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.

7. Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.

8. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris

9. Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him

10. Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattle snake…….. After three days of pain and agony ………………the rattle snake died

11. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

12. Chuck Norris made a Happy Meal cry.

13.  Chuck Norris once throwing a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded

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The new logy?

Mouthology:

A Professor was traveling by boat. On his way he asked the sailor:

“Do you know Biology, Ecology, Zoology, Geography, physiology?

The sailor said no to all his questions.

Professor: What the hell do you know on earth. You will die of illiteracy.

After a while the boat started sinking. The Sailor asked the Professor, do you know swiminology & escapology from sharkology?

The professor said no.

Sailor: “Well, sharkology & crocodilogy will eat your assology, headology & you will dieology because of your mouthology.

Sharks surrounding man sitting in sinking boat